Totty’s Tips: Looking Good - Part 2

My pal, Maggie, has asked me to take the wheel again this week as she’s orf to Lulu Wolfson-Graves’ place in Scotland to help with the décor for her daughter’s wedding. Apparently the theme is ‘The Undead’ and Maggie, bless her, left this morning with the horsebox stuffed full of trailing ivy, deadly nightshade and four dozen papier-mâché skulls modelled on the Bladder ancestors - truly terrifying!

So, with the party season looming around the corner, I thought it would be a fabulicious idea to give you the much anticipated second part of Looking Good with Totty.

If there are any of you who haven’t read part one, which deals with what to wear, then you really should, otherwise you’ll end up sad and lonely - Maud Pinchley-Gibbons, I’m talking to you!

In this blog post, I will be dealing with personal grooming which actually is very similar to grooming your favourite mare!

The Body

There has been a recent vogue for dry brushing the skin all over the body. This exfoliates and promotes circulation. You can buy a special brush from a chemist or a swanky London beauty clinic or you can get a clean body brush out of the tack room and the results will be even better.

All you need to do is:

  • Take all your clothes orf

  • Brush all over in circular motions towards your heart

  • Afterwards, wallow in a hot and steamy bubble bath.

And Totty’s Tip: After the bath, moisturize with generous amounts of udder cream which, as you know, prevents the drying and cracking of delicate skin. You can order a huge tub of it from your favourite veterinary website for less than a tenner!

We horsey-types have been doing this type of grooming for our horses for years and have you ever seen a horse with wrinkles? No! I rest my case.

The Face

Make-up can only do so much and like so many things in life a bit of preparation goes along way. So before an evening out apply one of my home-made face packs for a youthful glow:

Mix the flesh of a ripe avocado with four tablespoons of double cream and a generous splash of gin and slaver it all over your face and neck.

Totty’s Tip: If you have any left-over, it tastes divine spread on blinis with a dollop of caviar and a cheeky cocktail or three!

As we all know, there is nothing more aging than yellowing nashers. So to keep your smile pearly white and enticing:

  • Mix baking soda with crème de menthe to make your own whitening paste

  • Paint onto your teeth

  • Wait ten minutes

  • Rise your mouth out thoroughly - I always think a good stiff G&T works best

  • And then just remember to smile!

The Hair

I always say, you can’t look fabulous if you haven’t got fabulous hair. But just follow Totty’s Tips and you too can have lusty looking locks:

It is very important what you use to wash your hair. After much trial and error I have found that a good lathering with saddle soap will bring body and shine to the most limp and lifeless of coiffures.

And as an added bonus you will smell alluringly of leather!

Styling is next and to lock in that lovely root lift I recommend popping in some smallish rollers and having a good blow dry. If you can’t find suitable rollers, shotgun cartridges do just as well, although I would recommend using spent cartridges for safety’s sake.

Cumbrian Beauty

And if you want to look your best out in all weathers on the fell-side, here are a few quick dos and don’ts:

  • Wear false lashes rather than mascara, as otherwise you’ll look like a panda when it rains (which it does most of the time).

  • Long fingernails, whether real or false, never work in the country and only make you look like a townie, so don’t bother!

  • The same goes for fake tan, plus the locals will assume you’ve just fallen in the sheep dip.

  • There’s no need for blusher as a stiff Helm Wind will put plenty of colour in your cheeks naturally!

Anyway, I must go now as Douglas is sure to need me to give him a hand with some wild new growth of his in the greenhouse…

Much love, Totty xxx