Totty’s Tips: Looking Good

Maggie, the poor old thing, is orf again mopping the fevered family brow, this time of her daughter, Harriet, who’s come down with a mysterious case of food poisoning whilst rehearsing for a production of ‘The Borgias.’

So, as promised, here is the next instalment of Totty’s Tips - my guide to looking your best whatever you might be doing in the countryside - mucking out, walking, riding or something rather more energetic…

You’ll have to wait for part two for my super-duper insight on hair and make-up, as today I am focusing on the all-important issue of clothing.

Foundation Garments

I suppose I should really start with undies or what my (jolly terrifying) nanny used to call foundation garments. The advice here is simple:

Get yourself up to town to the Royal corset makers, Ample & Bottomley of Bosom Lane, who will fix you up to look and feel a million pounds (which, gals, is infinitely more valuable than a million dollars).

By the time those dear but rather drab women have finished tweaking you in your nether regions, you’ll be wanting to whip your clothes orf at every opportunity to show orf the fantastic results. I know I do!

The Shirt

Checked, patterned or plain. Silk, cotton or linen. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is:

  • The shirt must always be a button up shirt - you never know when undoing a couple of extra buttons could make all the difference…

  • It must be long sleeved. Gentleman and, by extension ladies, do not wear short sleeved shirts. If it’s hot, or the sleeves are getting in the way, be a man, gals, and roll’em up!

  • Generally, for well-developed, sporting, country types like myself I would recommend buying your shirt at least one size too small to ensure it gives emphasis to all the right places. If you are Cressida Vane-Hope, you will probably go down two sizes. But that’s good old Cressida for you…

Jewellery

You don’t want to be distracted by lots of bangles and baubles whilst enjoying country pursuits so my advice is keep jewellery to a minimum.

Having said that, I always wear either diamond or pearl earrings even when I’m not wearing anything else.

One tip here, if you are out for an energetic day always wear costume jewellery. Nothing kills the mood like searching an entire horse box stuffed with hay for a lost family treasure.

Trews

There is a huge choice for the lower portion of the country gal so let me give you the pros and cons:

  • Jeans - Good all-rounders but can cause chaffing if worn whilst in the saddle. Pockets are the perfect size for a hip flask.

  • Moleskins - Traditional, stylish and very warm even in the depth of a Cumbrian winter. Oh and before any of you telephone the RSPCA, they are not made from the skins of dead moles.

  • Tweed - Similar to the moleskins, but if not lined, it can be itchy and if you get caught in the rain (another Cumbrian hazard) they get very heavy and you’ll smell like a wet sheep.

  • Jodhpurs - These are my trews of choice. And remember you don’t have to own a horse or even know how to ride to wear them. They are super flattering and pull you in and push you out in all the right places. Which brings me on to the vexed question of VPL.

VPL

VPL, for the un-initiated, doesn’t mean Very Probably Lashed it stands for Visible Panty Line. You get the picture. I’ve never seen the problem with it myself as long as you’re not wearing huge granny pants - Veronica Bigby-Wilding, you know I mean you!

However, if it bothers you then the solution is simple, whip them orf and put them in your pocket - the knickers I mean, not the jodhpurs…

Wellies v Riding Boots

The decision here really comes down to what you are actually going to be doing. If you are going to be on horseback then well fitting, leather riding boots are what you need.

On the other foot, if you’re going to be walking through mud, slurry, rivers, snow or visiting the incontinent then you can’t beat a stout pair of wellies.

A couple of pet hates to note here:

  • Short wellies - what is that all about? Wellies need to reach to the top of the calf.

  • Leopard print wellies - a step too far? Mind you, I think Cressida has a pair…

Accessories

And a final word on accessories. What you carry in the country is actually just the same as in town:

  • a riding crop,

  • a corkscrew,

  • and somebody else’s credit card.

So now there is no excuse for you not looking utterly gorgeous whether on the fellside or in the stable loft which reminds me, it’s high time to see to Douglas in the greenhouse…

Much love, Totty XXX.