Totty’s Tips: Hosting a Dinner Party
Maggie has had to dash orf to Ireland this week to sort out another crisis with her cousins, the Fitzbladders. Something to do with great uncle Roderick being taken hostage by the O’Feeleys over a game of blind man’s bluff…
So here it is, the first in my occasional series of blogs known as Totty’s Tips.
As a girl about town, I’m here to tell you how to host (or hostess) a successful dinner party, mouthful by mouthful. How to wine and dine your friends until they’re completely under the table.
And there is tip number one - if your guests get so blotto that they can’t remember anything, they’ll assume they had a marvellous time. And your job is done!
Aperitifs - Getting them in the mood
What better way to kick things orf than with some good, old fashioned champagne? Well, the answer is with some good, old fashioned cocktails!
The advantages of cocktails are:
they are generally stronger than wine so your guests will relax much quicker.
you can invent your own! Experiment with mixing your favourite tipples together and then give the concoction a suitable name. Homemade is always best, didn’t your mother tell you?
and even better, home-invented cocktails are a perfect antidote to any wine bore that you might have mistakenly invited. If they don’t know what they’re drinking they can’t say that the 1989 vintage was better. Your other guests will be forever in your debt!
Some of my favourite creations are as follows:
A Snog in the Stables - 1 part brandy, 2 parts advocaat, 3 parts Cinzano and a dash of Tia Maria (if you haven’t got Tia Maria, Dettol does just as well). Add a cinnamon stick to stir.
Totty on the Rocks - equal parts gin, sambuca, double cream, crème de cassis and a couple of drops crème de menthe/mouthwash. Pour over ice and decorate with ripe strawberries and chocolate sprinkles.
The Guided Missile - 1 part vodka, 2 parts tequila, 2 parts Galliano, a couple tablespoons of chilli powder and then add the rest of the bottle of vodka, stir and serve in a plastic bucket with a straw.
I have worked on numerous other cocktail recipes with dear old Douglas Bladder-Warwick, Maggie’s husband. If you want to see everything we’ve got up to in the greenhouse, then just log on to tottystoddies.com.
The Main Event: Something to get your teeth into
“What about the food?” I hear the purists cry.
My answers is: “Yes you should definitely have some, even if it’s just bacon, eggs, devilled kidneys and marmalade for breakfast the next morning!”
Because as Douglas, Freddie and Archie, Toby, dear old Sebastian and Hubert will tell you (not to mention the Wentworth twins and that man from the Inland Revenue that gate-crashes on a regular basis) simply every one stays over after Totty’s parties!
If you really want to be a bore about the grub, then I recommend serving something hearty, hot and tasty. Because of my outstanding reputation in this area, I have become the purveyor of such delights as venison, pheasant, ostrich and jugged hare. So place your order for something you really fancy at tottysgame.com and pleasure awaits you!
Something Sweet to Follow
Puddings should be boozy. And anyway if you cut orf the alcohol supply at this stage of the evening, your liver will get confused, just as it was starting to enjoy itself.
Here are a few old favourites:
Vodka Cake with Tequila Icing
Absinthe Trifle
Rum Tart served with Sloe Gin Cream.
And Afterwards...
Very often after a good dinner there is no need to provide any extra entertainment. But if you have a particularly dull bunch, then I suggest the following:
Skinny dipping - Always good fun and gets rid of any remaining inhibitions your guests may have. You will, however, need a suitable moat or lake. Please don’t try this in municipal boating lakes, swimming pools or fountains as you and your guests will probably get arrested. Also if you find you have to break the ice to get into the water, probably best not to go in - hypothermia kills!
Snap - Hopefully by this time in the proceedings you and your guests are far too pickled to play a more taxing game of cards, but snap or happy families whilst pissed can be a hoot. If someone suggests playing bridge at this stage of the evening, you have failed utterly as a host and you should instead resign yourself to becoming a driving instructor in Scunthorpe, never to entertain again.
And a side-note here: Don’t gamble whilst hammered. We all know the sad tale of how Paddy Lush-Swerling came to lose his half of Hampshire and now sells novelty vacuum attachments door-to-door.
Scotch Hide and Seek - Here are the rules:
Each person goes orf to hide with a bottle of scotch.
The the one that is ‘It’ counts to three million and then goes orf to find the others.
When ‘It’ finds someone, if they haven’t yet finished their bottle of scotch, they have to do a forfeit. Which is usually drinking another bottle of scotch. Or does ‘It’ drink the scotch? Well, somebody does and anyway after a few rounds you’ll find the rules don’t seem to matter much anymore…
And that’s pretty much all you have to do to have a wonderful dinner party. Anything else can be left to your housekeeper/caterers/corner shop depending on your budget.
Oh, one last thing: Do remember to enjoy yourself - that’s the whole point after all!
So until next time when I’ll be telling you how to look alluring whilst mucking out the stables…
Much love,
Totty xxx