Mind Your Bladders

Hullo. It’s your old friend Maggie here again.

Recently I’ve been asked to adjudicate on a number of questions of etiquette.

And just last week I was subjected to the frightful spectacle of a person, who should have known better, losing it completely with a member of the lower orders over some piffling misunderstanding.

So today I’m going to give you a timely reminder of that most B-W of qualities, noblesse oblige, or, put more simply so even dear old Hugh Vastly-Dullish gets it, good manners.

The Harangue

Displays of temper may be expected from those forced to live in bungalows or to wear cheap shoes, but not from anyone who is … well … anyone.

Here is a quick reminder of the dos and don’ts.

One is allowed to shout at:

  • Boilers, car engines, lawn mowers and the like, if they have stopped working

  • Any computer, whether working or not

  • Dogs

  • Cats

  • Sheep

  • If fire or revolution break out, but only if there is an immediate risk to life

On the other hand, the well-bred individual never shouts:

  • At human beings. This includes young men by the name of Jayden in call centres, who’ve kept you on hold for forty minutes before telling you to ring back later on another number. This should be dealt with by a frightfully stiff letter of complaint to the managing director of the company concerned, conspicuously copied to the BBC. I will be giving you all the benefit of my experience on how one complains properly in a future blog post.

  • During play at Wimbledon

  • At horses or whilst fishing, stalking deer or bird watching

  • In museums or art galleries, because you may inadvertently wake the staff

  • In places of worship, because you might inadvertently wake God

If you find yourself getting a tad hot under the jodhpurs may I suggest the following?

  • Count to a hundred, or if you’re Hugh Vastly-Dullish, count to ten. The delay will help you not to say something you may later regret that can be taken down in evidence and used in court.

  • A brisk walk around the grounds at Bladder Hall or a run up the stairs to the attics and back usually sorts me out. Of course, people who live in a bungalows can’t do this, which is no doubt why they lose their temper.

  • Talk to your horse or dog. They will look at you lovingly and appear to understand. If you don’t have animals you could try your spouse, though this is generally less satisfactory.

Being a Good Guest

Totty Grunt-Wittering has advised on how to be a good host, but good manners are also required of guests, especially when being hosted by the less fortunate. Here are some jolly useful B-W golden rules:

  • By all means take a gift to show your appreciation - food, drink, flowers, the name of a sure thing running in the three thirty - are all acceptable. But if you’ve taken food and drink, do not consume these in preference to what your host has supplied, unless you have some sort of allergy.

  • If you are offered tea or coffee, simply accept one or t’other graciously. Only the clinically self-obsessed request decaf Earl Grey or unpasteurised goats milk in someone’s home. Unless of course you never want to be invited again, in which case demand away!

  • You should always bear in mind that visiting someone’s home is a privilege, even if the home is not somewhere you’d normally been seen dead. Please remember the following comments will give offense:

“Golly! It looks so much bigger on the inside.” (Unless of course you are actually visiting a Time Lord in their Tardis.)

“Small rooms! Must be so cheap to heat.”

“It’s so refreshing that you’re not interested in interiors!”

Tact and Taboos

There are certain areas which are never acceptable topics of conversations except with one’s very best pal after several gins:

  • Money - One has it, of course, but one never, ever says how much or where one gets it from.

  • Sex - Exactly the same as for Money.

  • Work - In these difficult and uncertain times we all have friends who may have had to resort to drastic measures to survive. So, if one of your pals has had to get a job, don’t rub it in by asking them about it. Just accept they won’t be available to socialize during office hours. Some employers might not like it. And for those of you that aren’t sure, office hours are 9am to 5.30 pm Monday to Friday. (Yes, five days a week! Perfectly horrid isn’t it?)

  • Politics - If someone raises this issue, then just pretend you’re far too stupid to understand what they’re on about and then change the subject. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have needed very little practice to perfect this.

  • Religion - As for Politics but if that fails, tell them you’re looking for new volunteers for the church cleaning rota …

And remember the Bladder-Warwick motto: Semper Ebrius which, I’m reliably informed by my husband Douglas, who is something of a classical scholar, translates as “It’s better to be kind than to be right!”.

Until next time…

Maggie B-W.