Maggie Explains … Taste

Here is the first in my new ‘Maggie Explains…’ series of blogs in which I’m going to demystify a whole range of important concepts for you.

So this week I thought I’d explain the principles of good taste.

I am often asked to adjudicate on such questions as:

  • Should Margot Blaze-Bassington get a picture of her favourite hunter tattooed on her left buttock?

  • Is pairing scarlet moleskin trousers with a yellow waistcoat a good look for the older man?

  • Are paper napkins ever acceptable at dinner?

  • Should Roger Bigby-Chance fit a roulette wheel in his stable lavatory?

To find the answers to these questions and avoid vulgarity for life read on…

What are the rules of good taste?

The rules of good taste are few and easy to remember, but if you’ve not had the benefit of a decent education or you’re rather stupid, here is a quick recap:

  • One should avoid showing off or drawing attention to oneself or one’s accomplishments at all costs. For example, it is always vulgar to refer to any sort of academic qualification, sporting achievement or other honour. The more advanced the accolade, the greater the faux pas. In particular, those with second or third degrees should have sufficient nous to keep them to themselves.

  • One should never look as if one has tried. One’s looks, attire and home should appear as if they have just fallen into place without any effort from oneself. I have it on good authority that Totty Grunt-Wittering’s locks take a whole afternoon of expert tousling at ‘Hair for Honourables’ in Knightsbridge to appear windswept and wanton, but she’d never admit it.

  • Nothing should ever be new. So at home one can restore, even renovate, but never modernise. Anything that can be repaired should be, even if it means transporting it to some grubby little man in London at huge expense. Clothes which wear out can either be worn threadbare, or replaced with something identical but ever so slightly newer.

  • Taste has nothing whatever to do with money. An item can be jolly pricey but utterly vulgar (a branded logo belt, for example). Whereas something that is as cheap as chipolatas can be the height of good taste (a length of bailer twine holding up the trousers of a country gent).

  • And the final and most confusing rule is that if one is grand enough the rules of taste don’t apply to one at all. One simply does whatever one wants. And if you don’t believe me, just look at the late Queen Mother!

What does good taste look like in the real world?

Here are a few B-W don’ts to keep you on the straight and narrow:

  • Don’t use phrases like “in the real world”. Apologies, gals! It just goes to show that we all make mistakes! I found myself using the word “vibe” the other day…

  • Say no to hot tubs, home bars and cinema rooms. A home gym may be forgivable if you have a genuine medical condition - but plain vanity is no excuse.

  • Fake tans, nails, hair, lashes or other surgically enhanced body parts are a no-no. Don’t waste your time or your husband’s money.

  • Bright new sports cars are never the thing, but driving your grandfather’s restored 1930 Bugatti is. And whilst on the subject of motoring, personalized plates, however witty, are the absolute end, taste-wise.

  • Hen-dos - Just don’t!

And now here are the answers to the four questions at the beginning of this blog post:

  • Yes - who is ever going to know anyway, Margot?

  • Yes - clashing bright colours are the mark of a gentleman.

  • No. Never. No, and again no.

  • An absolute top-hole idea, Roger. When can we all come over to have a go?

Until next time,

Maggie B-W.