Deck Your Bladders
Autumn comes early here in Darkest Cumbria. And as the leaves turn, the rain pours and the cheap Christmas tat appears on the high street, I’m reminded that Christmas is just around the corner.
And although one wouldn’t buy any of the bargain aisle offerings oneself, it does serve as a timely kick up the bracket to get on with one’s own festive preparations.
So here are the basics you need to attend to now. And as always, I’ve included a generous helping of B-W tips to ensure a jolly super - and well-organized - Yuletide.
Booze
Let’s face it, Christmas is strongly associated with drink. And this is nothing new, according to my immensely well informed husband, Douglas.
The Victorians, I’m told, liked a drop.
In medieval times, the drinking was apparently legendary and went on for weeks.
And I’m sure the mother of God herself needed a stiffener when she was informed there was no room at the Biblical equivalent of Claridge’s and that they were going to have to slum it round the back. Perhaps that was the moment the Bloody Mary was born.
Doulas also informs me that the Three Wiseman almost certainly ignored Herod and returned to their homes by a different road because they’d heard it passed a decent pub.
But in the twenty-first century, you have no need to worry! At bladdered.com, Douglas and Totty Grunt -Wittering have been working all hours to develop a complete festive package which includes everything from Christmas Eve cocktails to the hair of the dog on New Year’s Day. So (yule) log on and order yours now to avoid disappointment!
And you’ll be pleased to hear that the new whiskey that induced Douglas’ recent hallucinations (see his blog post The Croglin Vampire) will be available for Christmas after all. It has been reformulated and re-named, Lucky Devil, because that’s what the doctor called Douglas for still being alive after sampling it.
And the B-W lifesaving tip:
If you brought up the decent claret from the cellar for Christmas Day and your housekeeper has drunk the lot, then fill your decanters with cheap plonk from the supermarket. Provided the decanters are the real thing, no one will be any the wiser about what’s in them!
Food
Good staff really come into their own here and should be able to organize the whole thing with just a little guidance from oneself.
However, I’ve noticed standards have been slipping in recent years. Please remember that there is nothing so pedestrian at Christmas as a turkey (other than a pedestrian, of course).
Just by uttering the simple sentence “We always have a goose/guinea fowl/pheasant/jugged hare/Anglican minister at Christmas,” you make yourself sound frightfully grand and hint at an impressive ancestral tradition stretching back to the Reformation...
Gifts
Gifts for family are generally easy as you know just what they want. I find the B-Ws always appreciate a few seasonal shares in a well-chosen FTSE 100 company.
But buying for people one doesn’t know well or that give you a gift unexpectedly can be a problem.
You could go for the standby absinthe and cigars formula which my mother always swore by (and also swore at if memory serves), but my alternatives are:
Shooting Sock Garters - These cheap, unisex gifts come in a range of jolly colours and are always welcome in the shooting fraternity. And if your acquaintance doesn’t shoot they’ll be jolly flattered that you think they did!
Something you made yourself - Home-made gifts are always welcome and this year I will be gifting room fragrances from my whiffofbladders.com range. My new scents for this season are the irresistible Sump oil and moth balls or the evocative Leaf mould and rotting parsnip.
Theatre Tickets - Who doesn’t love a panto at Christmas? If they haven’t all been sold, I recommend gifting tickets to my daughter Miranda’s latest production, ‘Dick Whittington-Ponsonby-Smythe - the rags to riches tale of a young hedge fund manager in the City of London’.
Well, time to get planning our own Bladder Hall Christmas…
Until next time,
Maggie B-W