Bladders on Buddhism

As promised here is my super-duper blog on Buddhism.

We Bladder-Warwicks are spiritual souls, especially my eldest son, Toby, who has a deeply sensitive nature and has taken time out from his work at Grasping’s Private Bank to tour with his thrash metal band, Weeping Pustule - more of that later.

And in these uncertain times, I think we all need to make time for personal reflection on the important issues in life - Should one re-wild the tennis courts? Is the billiard room really the last bastion of the patriarchy? Are head-scarves still ‘in’ now the Queen has popped off?

So here it is, the no-nonsense B-W guide to Buddhism…

Meditation

You may think that meditation is just sitting around in silence with your eyes closed. And how wrong you would be!

I have also heard people say that they are unable to meditate. But honesty, with the B-W myth-busting tips meditation is as easy as … falling asleep:

  • You don’t need to sit cross-legged on the ground or anything unpatriotic like that. Instead get into your favourite armchair in front of an open fire or, failing that, the Aga.

  • Beginners often try to meditate at the wrong time of day, for example early in the morning. I find after a good meal is best. It doesn’t really matter if it’s lunch or dinner. If you find you’re still struggling, make sure you have a decent slug of brandy after the pudding and you’ll be well away.

  • Snoring whilst meditating is frowned upon so if you are a snorer perhaps group sessions are not for you. My husband, Douglas, meditates frequently in the privacy of the greenhouses for this very reason. I understand that Totty Grunt-Wittering is keen to join him to explore her spiritual side …

  • Total silence is unnecessary. Whilst the racing from Uttoxeter may not be suitable to have on the radio whilst meditating (particularly if you’ve got a bet on), I find an episode of the Archers can be very soothing.

  • You don’t need to chant or hum anything whilst meditating. If you must recite something, I understand from Roddy Ample-Cavendish that the National Anthem or the songs of Gilbert and Sullivan do it for him!

Unhappiness

Unhappiness with one’s lot is the modern disease, apparently.

The Buddhists will tell you that unhappiness arises from inappropriate attachment to non-virtuous objects. But, I hear you cry, what the Bladder-Warwick does that mean?

It means, dear old things, possessions can’t make you happy. Or at least only for a while. Happiness is in your own mind. There, the whole thing in three sentences. I have saved you hours of reading a lot of dreary old books!

In real life then you need to keep your material needs simple. I often say that all you need to be happy in life is:

  • a country estate or two,

  • a decent private income,

  • a small pad in Chelsea, and

  • no more than three or four holidays a year.

You see, nothing excessive, nothing grandiose, just the basics!

Karma

I could write for pages about the importance of Karma* and I’m afraid there just isn’t room here. So, dear ones, you will have to wait for another blog post where I can explore this topic in more detail.

*Not to be confused with the landlady of the Garrote and Ferret. That is Karla. She is also very important (particularly to Douglas who speaks very highly of her hospitality) but she isn’t, as far as one is aware, an integral part of the ancient wisdom of Buddha.

Re-Incarnation

This is a very jolly concept, particularly for failures - You know those gals who were never in the hockey First XI at school or those poor desperate creatures who work in offices all their lives or anyone who can’t back a winner at Goodwood. Re-incarnation is the answer!

The whole idea is that if you have made a horrible mess of your life (as outlined above), you get another life straight after this one to have another go. And this process of being given another crack at it continues until you get it right. Takes the pressure off, what?

Once you’ve made a bit of a better job of this life you get promoted to a higher realm where things are rather pleasanter. I think it must be a bit like being elevated to the peerage. A jolly sound idea all round, don’t ya think?

The Struggle with Spiders

But I don’t want you to get the idea that Buddhism is all a walk in the grounds. There are some practical difficulties that the budding Buddhist needs to deal with. And spiders are one of them.

If your home is anything like Bladder Hall you’ll know what I mean. We have spiders here the size of Shetland ponies. Before I became a Buddhist, I would send in the housekeeper, Mrs Boothby, who loved nothing better than an hour’s spider bashing with one of the children’s old cricket bats. And if they were really ginormous, Douglas would go in with a shotgun.

But those days are gone!

Buddhists should cherish all living beings - murderers, dictators, solicitors, traffic wardens. The lot! Even spiders.

So now Mrs Boothby is sent up to the attics or into the east wing with nothing more than a dust pan and brush to ‘encourage’ our eight-legged friends to vacate the premises. She is far from happy. But, I tell her it is good karma and she’ll come back in her next life as a supermarket manageress or driving instructor. Somehow, I don’t think she believes me.

The Final Note

This week the final note need to go to dear old Toby and the jolly chaps - Dave, Gaz and Tournique Tim of Weeping Pustule. They are back at Croglin Community Centre by popular demand so if you want tickets they are available now from badacneproductions.com.

Until next time…

Maggie B-W