Bladders in the Lake District

I am constantly being asked how best to spend a weekend in the world famous Lake District by friends and our jolly super guests at Bladder Hall. (Remember, if you would like to experience Lake District hospitality Bladder-style then do book at bedandbladders.com).

There is so much to see and do in the Lakes: Water sports, sheep fancying, wandering lonely as a cloud, eating lengths of Cumberland sausage, gurning... The opportunities can seem overwhelming to the inexperienced newbie.

But fear not! With the usual B-W efficiency, I have devised a plan whereby you can do the most important things (or at least appear to!) in a weekend and still be dressed for dinner on time each evening!

On the Mountain

The Lake District has 214 mountains and fells and only 16 lakes, so it should really be called The Mountain District. When I rang the tourist board to point this out to them, I was told that ‘The Mountain District’, though accurate, wouldn’t fit on a souvenir tea towel. And so The Lake District it is.

But despite the name, most people visit The Lake District to climb a mountain or three. And whilst I completely understand the allure of reaching a summit where you can look down on all the little people scurrying about far beneath you, it takes a good deal of time out of your day and can also be frightfully dangerous.

And that is where the B-W time-saving, life-saving method comes in. All you have to do is:

  • Get yourself togged out in climbing/hiking gear - more on that below.

  • Park in the car park at the foot of your chosen mountain - and pick a biggie - Scafell, Blencathra or Helvellyn - for maximum impact.

  • Walk a short way up the path and conceal yourself behind a boulder - this is not a problem, because The Lake District is littered with conveniently placed rocks, probably positioned there by the tourist board for this very purpose.

  • When a group of hikers approaches going uphill, step out from behind your boulder and comment loudly that you set off for the top an hour before dawn.

  • Enjoy the look of despair mixed with awe from the approaching group.

  • Once back in your car, download photos taken at the relevant summit off the internet to post on social media.

And remember, if anyone asks, Striding Edge is on Helvellyn and Sharp Edge is on Blencathra - or is it the other way round?

On the Lake

While it might be seen as less heroic, no trip to The Lake District is complete without visiting an actual lake. And wouldn’t it just be a hoot to claim a record breaking feat whilst you’re about it?

As you know, we B-Ws are a competitive lot and my youngest son, Johnny, the Olympic figure skating champion (Seventeenth place at PyeongChang 2018 for the less sporty amongst you), is no stranger to a challenge.

In addition to his achievements on the ice, he also holds the world land speed record for the circumnavigation of Derwent Water in a kayak. The kayak in question (with Johnny in it, paddling furiously) was strapped to the roof of Cressida Vane-Hope’s Aston Martin at the time. I understand that although Johnny’s record has never been broken someone came close last year in a canoe.

Again, it always pays to get the technicalities right. A canoe is an open boat with a single bladed paddle favoured by comprehensive schools and scout groups, whilst a kayak is a closed boat with a double bladed paddle used by serious explorers who generally get knighted for their achievements.

Now, not all the lakes have a suitable road running around them (something I must mention to the tourist board when I ring them next) but I think the records for Windermere, Thirlmere, and Ullswater are still up for grabs. So get kayaking!

In the Shop

And now you have saved all that time, you can devote yourself to what is really important - buying the perfect souvenir or gift from The Lake District.

In order to tackle the hordes in the gift shops of Keswick, Bowness or Ambleside, I would advise several weeks, if not months, of fitness training before you arrive. You will also need the following essential equipment:

  • Good boots or walking shoes, so you can stand and trek for hours without a break.

  • An ice-axe for hooking down hard-to-reach items.

  • A length of strong rope, so you and your party can lash themselves together and not get separated in the crush.

  • A large rucksack to put your purchases in, so you can carry them whilst leaving your hands free.

  • A slab or two of Kendal Mint Cake or similar highly calorific snack to keep your energy levels up whilst shopping.

I would also recommend that you set out for your chosen high street well before dawn in order to secure a parking space.

And that’s another problem solved without fuss, Bladder-Warwick style!

Until next time,

Maggie B-W.